Pathetic

Pathetic is lying to your mom about where you're going so she doesn't feel sorry for you for not actually having any plans.

Random Revelations...

Today at work I shared something that I saw in a picture hanging in the lobby at work. I originally saw it one day at work when I was having a hard day. I was hating my job and the place that I found myself stuck in. And couldn't seem to get passed the fact that I was passed up on not one, but two new job opportunities. So I was feeling left out, trampled on and dejected. And I happened to look up at a picture on the wall that I had seen a hundred or more times before...and then it was like a face of a man popped out of the picture. It was a picture of the orangish sunset overlooking a rocky lake...and the face of the man reminded me of Jesus. Then I was taken to another place altogether; a place of deeper understanding. And I just felt as though the Lord was revealing to me--with each new day--why it was that I was there. And, as time passed, my contentment developed. Nobody else at work saw the Jesus that I saw in the picture. *smile* I guess God reveals Himself to each of us, in His own time and way.

I long to see those I love, enlightened.

Why is it we are quick to rush off to have fun and escape or party with people who only know a small part of us--or who barely know us--when there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. And He knows us more intimately than anyone.

I pray that those of my loved ones who seek loved will find it in the arms of their savior.And not those of a stranger.

The Unthinkable

My boss has been having a rough time lately. Her grandmother, Martha is in the hospital and the prognosis doesn't look good. She has been spending most of her free time at the hospital and her wearines and worry were beginning to show. During supervision, I got up the nerve to ask her if I could pray for her.

She said yes. :o)

And it's incidents like this that remind me why I am there. It's not about making money or selfish ambition

Sick N Moody

I was agitated a lot of today...aside from all the glorious evidence of womanhood (you know, the bloating, the cramping, the headache, fever, etc.), I had to deal with a co-worker's iritation with me and our oh-so-subtle polite chat chat while covering up that irritation. And on top of all the joys of raggines, I have a cold. So yes, I would have rather been sleeping today instead of standing up all day long, dealing with demanding people who--let's face it--just aren't right in the head. One of them was an old high school classmate. She and I looked each other right in the eye and although I was polite, I thought, this could be me. I am possibly only one chemical imbalance away from staring into someone's eyes from the other side of this glass. And today, I felt really close. She was somewhat snooty in high school. And I teetered between arrogant and shy. But there's nothing that says her personality is more prone to mental illness than mine. I could be the one swiping my card to attend groups and get meds.

And I was thinking about something a friend told me about her and an ex...I started to doubt it, today. I didn't have a problem with any of it, until today. Then I thought, what if it's all made up, and I am made a fool of again? And that is no doubt why I refuse to show my brokenness. I never want to let it take a hold of me as it once did.

Random thought...what if they move across the street? (Not so random in my head.)

Went to have drinks with some co-workers and my friend kept randomly (?) touching my thigh throughout the night as he was making jokes We were joking and laughing, exchanging some witty banter about the old office and he would tap my thigh. Odd. That had never happened before. For a moment, I actually felt attractive. It was another dimension to myself I thought had been buried. (It lives.)

By the time my shift had ended I was ready to ditch church and head straight home where Mike's Hard Lemonade sets in the fridge...chillin'. At that point, I really didn't give a shit about anything. I blinked back the tear that attempted to excape--and even stopped singing the song responsible for conjuring it out.

I just didn't feel useful; I didn't feel loved. And tonight, I stopped caring about it.

Are tears a sign of caring? Is that why I stopped them? Are they a sign of vulnerability and brokenness? Does it really matter that whenever I pass by, you don't even say hi? Tip toe across my feelings so as not to make me mad. and yet, I take it as you not caring enough to push my buttons in order to find out what's really inside of me. It couldn't be a fear of losing something that's only a remnant of what used to be now is hardly even there. Because I never walk away. But tonight, I didn't care.

The cramps have increased and the potency of the pills only decreased. Nothing has subsided...except the day. So now I sleep. They say tomorrow is a new day...I wonder if it will bring a new me. You'll hardly know who I am or what I'm about.

Random Oddness

I was headed Eastbound on the 10 tonight and I exited a few too short. It wasn't until I had driven about 5 or 6 blocks that I realized, I had no idea where I was headed and nothing looked familiar. So I made a right turn on the next street and drove a few more blocks, still not recognizing anything...until I came to a corner apartment complex named, "El Sereno". It took me back to when my ex-boyfriend Anthony used to live there. Then I went a few more blocks and recognized another apartment complex where another exes ex used to live.

I found it to be a bit odd that I would "accidentally" come upon both places in the same night. And both brought up a whole slurry of emotions and memories....none of them negative. I think I am healed :-)

Little Reminders

As I entered my room just after the shower this morning, there was a subtle scent of my dad in the room. It took me by surprise at first, but it was definitely him. It wasn't an overwhelming smell as occurs sometimes near or outside places that sell patchouli. For the past two weeks I have ben thinking about my dad; his last week spent with us. I thought about my first trip to visit him in Montana and how he made me breakfast and the work of restoration the Lord did for us both during that time. And in so many quiet moments lately, I have missed my dad and longed just to talk to him. And now...I think the Lord was giving me a piece of my dad. It was subtle. And it slowly faded as I closed my eyes to hold back tears and thanked God for little reminders.

small requests

dear lord...

i know there are bigger and more important things that you are taking care of, but i still humbly ask for the following things:

dish receiver #2
guitar hero adapter
to be debt free
being able to sell the office dvd
and having someone to listen, to just listen

and i ask for those who are broken and hurting to be healed and made whole. may they truly see you.

Burdened

I am so burdened tonight and wonder if my recent bout with discontentment is due to a stirring up in my spirit. I am convinced that the world we live in is in the shape its in because of the carnality of God's people. Friends I gave a word to...friends I gave books to...friends I have given godly counsel to...friends I have prayed for consistently...all seem to be going the way of the world and not the way of the Lord. Not only does it sadden me, but it grieves me to the point of tears. It makes me want to cry out, "Where are the intercessors?!" as a woman did years ago at a prayer conference we hosted at our church. It makes me want to cry out, "Where are those who are willing to stand up for righteousness?!" Stand up if you dare. Am I so unequally yoked with fellow believers that I in some way pose a threat? Are we at odds with one another because of our many misinterpretations of one truth? Has our anger clouded our ability to walk by faith? And has the giant in our life (pride and self) rendered us powerless against the wiles of the enemy? It's no wonder how the enemy runs circles around us; the church is so busy running around in circles attacking itself. We fight the same battles with the same people year after year when all we need to do is pick up our weapons and point them in the direction of the real enemy. If the enemy can keep us bound up with anger, bitterness and unforgiveness towards others in the church, then we will just self destruct.

My pastor said, "The enemy plots; God plans."

Are we plotting revenge against our brothers? Or are we planning our forgiveness? Are we planning ways to bless those who curse us and spitefully use us? Are we planning a way of victory?

Joyce Meyer said, "Most Christians want enough of God to stay out of hell, but not enough to walk in victory."

It makes me wonder who I can trust to pray for me on my left or my right. Especially when I don't see any of them in prayer on Saturday mornings. Everyone wants their prayers answered and a breakthrough but nobody wants to get up early on a Saturday morning to
actually pray.

So I offer this, "Everyone wants their needs met, but nobody takes the time to meet the Need Meeter."

That takes time. And effort. And it's not the popular choice. It's not what most people would consider fun. Then again, (I'm sure), neither was dying on the cross. Yet He did it anyway. And not to lay a guilt trip on anyone, but He went to the cross even though we didn't pray. We didn't ask for salvation. But it just goes to show the depth of His love for us. He is always moving and working on our behalf. And to be completely honest, we needed Him to. He knows what we have need of before we even ask--and especially if we dont ask.

And knowing that truth, I will persevere in prayer for those who choose not to ask for themselves. For those who are maybe afraid to ask. I will ask for God in some way to intervene.

Preserved

You have granted me life and lovingkindness; and Your care has preseved my spirit. Job 10:12


The other day, my pastor and others 'confirmed me in my ministry' when they prayed for me. In the prayer, one of the pastors used the word preserved. Specifically, that God has preserved me and spared me. And that the enemy desired to sift me. And the word, preserved really stuck out...I guess because I am feeling old and a bit lonely. My flesh side wants to go the way of the world to ease my loneliness, but my spirit knows I have no business doing what my friends do. Just the other day, while talking to a friend I realized just how different my views are compared to many around me. And I though, "Whoa Lord, is this what you meant when in Your word it says we are a peculiar people? I remember a time when an aunt asked me, "Don't you want to be normal?" It hurt my feelings then. But now, as I get older (just turned 40 yesterday) I am understanding a little more about what the Lord has called me to be and not what I necessarily wanted. I could go and do what everyone else not what God desires for my life. And I want to be EVERYthing God wants me to be. My life could be very different, but I do desire signs and wonders--not parties and friends.

So my flesh sometimes has a little trouble getting behind my spirit on this, but it's catching on.

No Regrets...

I used to say that I didn't have any regrets, however there are always things we wish we could go back and do over. *shrugs* Most of the triumphs, tragedies and incidents we experience I believe are cause and effect. Others are by divine design since I do believe that my footsteps are ordained by God. But as I look back, I do see where "free will" kicked in and I journeyed off track. (The sad thing about free will is that, when we choose to do what we will instead of what is God's will, it is rarely ever free. There are consequences and a price to be paid. I have paid a great price to buy my own so called freedom. And even though I am wilingly choosing God's will for my life, I feel there are still things I am paying for.) So while I don't regret the experiences I have had, there are things I wish I could do over. If I didn't believe in salvation and redemption, this list would be more relevant and possibl drive me into a deep depression. But I do believe there is hope for me yet.

That I didn't take more chances in life regarding certain things such as traveling--I could have been an evangelist or nurse in some third world country.
That I wasted kisses (and my heart) on a boy who lied to me for seven years.
That I didn't speak up when I should have and allowed a stranger to take advantage of me sexually.
That I lost so many years of loving my dad because of my anger and bitterness towards him.
That I never had the guts to hsave my head.
That I ever lived a day with fear about anything and allowed it to affect my decisions.
That my mom and I weren't friends sooner.
That I ever got involved with a friend. The romance never compares to the stability and unconditional love of true friendship.
That I never bought my black Rubicon Jeep so I could drive up PCH with my hair flying wildly in the wind to the B-52's Summer of Love.
That I don't really know my brothers and sisters.
That I never had my little boy so I could sing to Him with him.
That I didn't devote more time to write songs and poems, etc.
That I didn't take some random course in college just for the fun of it. Or that I didn't get a degree to become something more than what I am.
That I didn't stay focused more on God and the gifts He gave to me so that I could use them to bless others. Instead, I chased after things of the flesh.
That I never bought a motorcycle.
That I didn't do better in school. And I never joined a sport though I was althletic.
That I never became a chef.
That I ever lied to my friends and loved ones. Deceit is never something I wanted to be my best trait.
That I never found someone who gave me that "swept-off-my-feet feeling" to marry.
That it took me so long to sponsor a child.
That I still have a rectangular box up on the shelf in my closet filled with my dad's ashes (Well, half. The other half was spread in Montana; I was supposed to spread the remaining in the ocean.)

The last one was the one that got me started on this list.

Concert

Saw Jennifer Knapp tonight in Hollywood. It was once again an intimate, acoustic set that highlighted her raspy, yet vulnerable voice. She looks very much the same. The set wasn't nearly long enough.

Surprise

Today I got a text message from my old friend Anna whom I haven't spoken to (really) in about 2 years. There have been a couple of times when we have shared a brief conversation about my hair or an email about a job for my mom, but our friendship has never been the same. Ever since Monike told her that she was pregnant at my house and she basically attacked her. I had to fight her off and threaten to call the police. It was emotionally and physically exhausting and we were never really friends after that. She stopped going to church and we just basically stopped talking. Monike's baby (Ellena) just turned two.

Well, I guess Monike told her about my car accident on Saturday morning. So she texted me today to ask how my ankle was. (No broken bones, just a sprain, bruises and soreness.) I texted her back to say that I was ok, wearing a brace and it was getting better, but that my car may be totaled. A few minutes later, she called to ask me what happened. It wasn't my fault, the girl turned into me. I trust that the Lord works everything together for me. I still owe on the car so there's that. Strangely, just the night before the accident I was telling two friends from church that I thought I needed a new car since mine was acting up with the high idle that I just had repaired. And then the next day, someone crashes into me. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

I was on my way (headed east) to pick up my grandparents for prayer when a Hundai pulled out (on my right headed west) and was headed right for me. I tried swerving to the left side but there were two parked cars. I honked and put in the brakes but could only brace myself. Both of my airbags deployed and I was then slowing rolling over to the left hand side of the street to get out of the middle of it, but there was a trash bin on the left as well. The smell of the airbags smoke was terrible. I immediately looked for my purse and phone and called my mom. I told her I was in an accident and asked if she and Chris could come. I had already jumped out of the car limping becuase of a sore ankle. Then I called my cousin Marissa to tell her that I wasn't gonna be able to pick up grandma and grandpa for church because of the accident. She asked where I was and said she'd be right there. I was hobbling towards the sidewalk and shaking. Then a young girl came up and asked me If I was alright. I told her yes. Then one of the neighbors came out and brought over a chair for me to sit on. The driver of the other car (an older girl) asked me if I was alright and I told her yes and asked if they were ok. She said they were. Their car was on the other side of the street (headed east). The neighbor got me to sit down and then she gave me some bread to help me stop shaking and calm me down. The police showed up and began asking me questions. Then my mom and Chris got there. Then a minute or two later, Marissa and her whole family got there. My ankle was throbbing. I wans' table to find my registration or insurance which is the strangest thing because I just put my updated auto insurance in the case and put it back into the glove box. My hood buckled, windshield cracked and bumper looked to be hanging off. I didn't really get to see it before it got towed away since people kept telling me to sit down--I think I may have been in shock. I had my seat belt on, I wasn't on my cell phone and I wasn't going any faster than about 30. All I can do is praise the Lord that I wasn't seriously hurt. Strangely...my rental car is the exact same, make, model and color car of the one that ran into me. Hopefully, their insurance will pay for my trip to the ER ($50) and the vicodin prescribed ($10) and the cost of having my car towed to my friend's husband's shop ($165). But I'm praying that even my car expense is taken care of since I still have a balance. I've been thinking about getting a newer car for some time now.

God knows. I know this.

And as far as my friendship with Anna goes, He knows how that will turn out too. All I can do is pray and try to be obedient.

The morning just before the accident, I read my devotional and it was taken from Exodus 3:7 Surely I have seen the affliction of My people...and have given heed to their cry. Sometimes after the accident I thought of this...He hears our cry BEFORE we even ask. He is amazing. And His words come just in time. So I hold onto that promise.

Knowledge

"God's going to open up a greater depth of word of knowledge for you." The woman sitting in the pew behind me in church today, spoke those words to me(and more after service).

And that wasn't even the best part of the service.

4 am

Woke up with a burden to pray...what do I pray for? Specifially, it was a friend(s). In some situations (most), I feel helpless and the only thing I can really do is leave it up to God. So I did. However, I am still burdened and I wonder if this really is my burden to carry. I doubt it. In fact I didnt think it was. But when needs are dropped into your lap, it's very difficult not to pick them up. I do belive I have discernment, yet in this situation I do feel at a loss somewhat. And am I called to a fast? I know that fasting is (or should be) a part of every believer's life, however am I called to fst specifically with this in mind? I thought i was, then I blew the fast. And didn't feel the need or urgency to begin another one. Has the burden been lifted from me or have I just turned into a needy glutton with all the added stress going on in my life?

The new job is quite different from my last one--well, the one even before that. I did afterall, work at the El Monte clinic for two whole days. But I'm used to working with children; not adults who demand their medications and who threaten to kill someone if they don't get them. Or talk down to you like you're an idiot because they can't see thier doctor within the same month and so they start yelling at you. Yeah, that has been my week. In the midst of attempting to walk out my humility without feeling like a total failure for having been demoted and working out of boxes with a tiny computer cart and not nearly enough room. Oh and let's not forget the fact that I don't speak Spanish and every other call is a Spanish speaking caller! I don't want to be ungrateful for still having a job, when a few of my friends were layed off, but I'm not sure how long I can do this reception job. This is not what I signed up for. And right now--I don't know if it's because my ego has been bruised--but I don't have joy or contentment. In fact, I've been late three times this week and contemplated calling out for two of those days! And we had a shorter week! When co-workers asked me 'how things were going'...I told them that I didn't want to be like an Israelite who walked around murmuring and complaining and wandering in the desert for forty years. I seriously don't. But for the time being...I find myself in this place where I am burdened and discontent. So...I will get up in about an hour to go join my church family in prayer for the needs of our nation and other church members. I know that I am called to that. Lord, help me. I chose to stay home and go to our Friday night family dinner...I got some routine cleaning done. And now, as I think about it, perhaps the fast isn't about me. Obviously, I know that, but the purpose behind it is to draw me into a more intimate relationship with God. Not so I can in some way earn brownie points or run through a list of prayer needs faster. It is to die to the flesh...something I am not doing well since I am discontent. Maybe fasting is more of a means to help us see where we are not and how far away from God we actually are. And maybe it varies for each believer. Whatever the case, I do want to be closer to the heart of God. I want to see Him for who He is and not just for who I want Him to be. I've got a long way to go.

Emotional

Okay so today was better at the El Monte site than on Tuesday. I actually had somewhat normal and friendly interactions with co-workers (there was even laughter). The two girls who I work directly with weren't surfing the web or updating their facebook--phones were still vibrating off and on all day though.

I took my box of office supplies and nick knacks with me today and once again, I spent most of my day organizing and putting things away. My new supervisor came in and apologized to me for not showing me how to use the phones on Tuesday. However, the "girl who knows everything" still didn't show me anything really. I had to ask her. And when she wasn't available, I had to ask the other girl who honestly didn't know much more than I did. It felt like a dead end.

I had lunch in our staff lounge by myself while skimming through Entertainment Weekly and attempting to answer questions on Trivial Pursuit, hosted by none other than Peter Brady. If I had been on the show, I would have won enough to pay off my debt. LOL

After lunch, I went back to my chair and my new supervisor asked if she could see me in her office. I wasn't worried since we hadn't talked about my schedule and supervision or upcoming trainings in order to ensure that I am certified in other departments. I went into her office and she said, "Did they tell you already? Erika and Yoli..." "Do you know...you know, right?" And when my look of uncertainty gave it away, she said, "You don't know? Well, I'll just wait until they tell you..." Now my anxiety was high and several things were rushing through my head, Am I being fired? Did they decide to decrease my pay more? Then she said, "I'm surprised they didn't call you yet. Maybe later...Well, I'll tell you. Just don't tell them I told you. They want to keep you."
"How?"
"Someone resigned."
"Who?"
"I'm not sure. They can tell you."
"Whoa, you scared me."
"Oh no, no, no, sorry, sorry. They want to keep you. They will probably tell you tomorrow. So act surprised."
"But I just moved all my stuff and filled all my drawers."
"I know."
Inside, I was excited. (I waited until all the girls in the front left and then I unpacked my drawers/desk and put everything back into the box.)
I agreed. I was already planning on buying a couple dozen "farewell donuts" and writing a heartfelt note to my "Covina Family". Now I shall have to continue with those plans even though I know. However, my new sup did mention that if things didn't work out and I remained at El Monte.... but it's too late. I was already...home. And I remembered a conversation with another supervisor at the Covina site (who covered at the EM site for months) yesterday about how much I disliked the El Monte site. He told me that someone had resigned from the La Puete site along with, "but you didn't hear it from me." And either late last night or early this morning, this thought came to me: Wow...church is just one straight shot from the La Puente site.

Why was that my thought? I don't know but I guess my heart was set on that subconsciously. On my way home, there was traffic and lots of it. So I tried to call a few people (not affiliated with work) to vent and let them know my situation and nobody answered. I was frustrated and overwhelmed by all of the instability of my life and just wanted to share what was on my heart with someone who would listen. I was emotional and cried some of the way home. I was so stressed and had a hamburger, chili cheese fries and an oreo shake. Not the best choice for dinner...but it was my way of coping with this emotional rollercoaster that is my job.

I shared my heart with God...He already knows what's in it anyway.

today

here's an excerpt from an email to a friend...


"...anyway, i wasn't able to reply this morning because i had to leave earlier since the new site is in El Monte. But thanks for the encouragement. I appreciated it. Even though today was not such a terrific day. I had basically no training on new phones and procedures that they obviously do very differently from covina. the girl who "did everything" according to my new supervisor was too busy updating her facebook to train me and the other girl who actually talked to me knew almost less than I did. so i flubbed the phone paging/transferring, was given an out of date roster, didn't take any breaks and got stuck at the window front and center where every client walked up to. oh and lets not mention, that the one who did everything took a 2 hour meeting with my new supervisor. then left early. and my supervisor showed me around and then the next time I saw her was when she was walking out...wishing me a happy first day and thanking me for helping to cover. thursday i go in at 10:30 to 7--crap hours. i am now the low man on the totem pole so to speak and quite frankly, it sucks. but enough about my ungrateful rant--i should be thanking the Lord that I even have a job and i ain't shoveling horse poo or something. and not like my friend whose last day at enki is this friday. then she is jobless."

I know there are many grammatical mistakes and all i did was copy/paste, but i think i am actually getting tired. blah.

anxious...?

My Facebook status states that I am anxious about starting at a new site. But I've been bugged about it and obviously other things since I haven't been able to sleep for the past three nights. And here it is, almost 1 am and I am wide awake. It was such a good...emotional, yet somewhat productive and triumphant day. But it didn't really end well. I think I need to journal more. Today at the same time I felt that I had accomplished something, I felt hugely inadequate. I finally approached the homeless man who hangs out in downtown Covina as I have been prompted to for several months. He didn't speak one word; only nodded and shook his head. I didn't get his name...only that he couldn't speak English, never asked Jesus to be his Savior and didn't even know who Jesus was. I gave him a small book outlining salvation, though I figure if her can't speak, he probably can't read. And I gave him some money for breakfast. With every hopeful question I asked, his response was the same--a shaking of his head, "no". Except one. I asked him if I could pray for him. He finally nodded yes. And so I did. And I promised that I would continue praying for him, not even knowng his name. I walked away, not knowing whatelse I could possibly do for him, yet wanting to do something more. I had no shower to offer this man. I had no clean clothes (though I've heard that people give him clothes and he chooses to wear the same ones he has). I went back to my car and as I started it, I began to cry. I had done what was asked of me so many times before. Finally. Yet somehow the feeling of accomplishment paled in comparison to the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and insignifigance. This man didn't need me to "rescue" him. He needed Jesus to. And I didn't really know how to offer that to him. The only thing I could say was, "Jesucristo es El Senor." I looked this man in the eyes and could see the emptiness. I've seen hurt and rejection. I've seen grief and frustration. I've even seen anger and rage. But I don't think I've ever seen that kind of emptiness before. At that moment, as I slowly drove along Citrus Avenue, I was overcome with emotion. Overwhelmed by his need and I felt so small compared to it. I prayed God would intervene, somehow. All I could do once I got to work, was sit in the parking lot and wait for my tears to subside.

I was emotional all day. It's difficult saying goodbye to those who have been in your life for years. My heart longs to remain with them...the hurt is caused from having to peel it away from the hearts it has bonded to.

Nothing But Me

I found this in my documents and I'm not sure when I wrote it...probably within the last 2 or 3 years. Usually I date everything I write.

Nothing But Me

Only a shadow remains
Of the memories of us you took away
And the parts of me I hid from all else

I could regret that I ever let you glimpse
And I could pretend that none of it mattered
But there‘s always been more to me than met the eye
And I have never lied to you before

Part of me wants to throw my head back
And say I’m unaffected and all is well
But if you look a little closer
You’ll see the lines that tell the story of my misfortune

The years of heartache I’ve yet to overcome
Not because I still desire you
But because I opened up too much of myself
And because I refuse not to love

I’ve gone someplace deep within my mind
A far off place that has kept me close to you
Holding memories that not even you could take away
Losing myself in the process of holding on

Unable to give
Paralyzed by the pain
A Crippling love
Solitude is my gain

Have you tried shaking me from your head?
Not as easy as it sounds
As hurtful as things were
I still remember every smile

We couldn’t help ourselves
We were both so young
None of which were true
But I loved you
I truly loved you

I’ve got nothing left
Given myself completely away
Nothing left but me
Holding close, fragments of a memory
Of you still so far away

In time this heart will heal
And so too will yours
Maybe if we weren’t somewhere so close
And yet still so far

I’ve got nothing left to give
Already given too much
Nothing left but me
And that’s not nearly enough
To please you

In the Midst of A Migraine

I'm sitting here trying to decide whether or not to just get up and go wash my car and run the errands I need to or to simply take 2 more Advil and fall back into bed. I've been laying here since after church and lunch, not sleeping but trying to get rid of this headache. I don't want to waste the end of my vacation/weekend, though it has been busy.

Here's a rundown of the past two weeks:

I went to see 500 Days of Summer which wasn't as good as people are saying. Good soundtrack though. And the lead male is cute. And 12.

I went to Redondo Beach and had a great time. It was so relaxing and I was able to let go of the stress of work. I did get into the water, but mostly relaxed with my mp3.

I went to Knotts Berry Farm and lost my voice from screaming on the rides. I got on silver bullet and pny express. Bother were great. And I saw Shaq there with his kid in Camp Snoopy. He said hi and smiled at me. I took a pic of him (actually his head) while he was sitting and waiting for his kid to get off a ride, but didn't have the heart to take another one while he was walking by me and holding his kid. It felt so invasive that all I could do was say hi. Thats when he smiled and said hi.

I went for a mile hike up in the canyon which was fun. It brought back so many memories of my dad and the times he took me up there as a child. He was still my daddy then. I miss fishing. I miss him! It only made me want to go camping and fishing.

I fell down the stairs at work earlier in the week and my butt was a bit sore from the rides at knotts and the hike. And I was really bummed that I didn't make my last potluck with my unit because I thought I was going to the Holocaust Museum (which is only open from 11-2). Even though I am not close friends with all of them and the ones I am close to I will no doubt spend time with again...I feel as though I missed out and that made me sad that I missed it.

We had a weenie roast last Saturday...which I had a veggie patty at because I've been fasting meat and sweets. And no smores for me either, but I don't like them anyway.

Yesterday, we had our second annual family reunion and it was a long day. In a few months, we'll be preparing for next year's.

The next big event is probably the Walk for Life at Azusa Pacific.

Tomorrow I go back to work...I am looking forward to it since I only have 3 more days at the Covina site. On Tuesday and Thursday, I will go work at the El Monte site. Friday is everyone's last day at Covina. I imagine it will be emotional.
I dare not get in too deep here since my head is hurting. But there is so much.

On The Spot

Today in church pastor called me up to be used of the Lord and allow the Holy Spirit to move/speak through me. I was so...full and just overwhelmed by the presence of God and emotions. I felt the Lord and was myself moved, but as I walked up to the platform, I had no idea what to say. I prayed in tongues (yes, I believe in that.) as I took the mic and pastor spoke of how the Lord had used me before. Then I began to speak. It was brief and I didn't get through it before breaking down somewhat. And I can't remember word for word what I said. I do remember that the presence of God was so strong that I nearly fell on my way back to my seat. I haven't felt the Lord that strong in a long time. Somehow, I feel that I was supposed to say more. How do you ask if you prophesied correctly? Or accurately? And just the night before, I told my cousin that I was doing a fast because I wanted God to move through me. And He didn't disappoint. (Even if I may have.) Here's a humorous thing, after the service my cousin said, "good speech." My cousin and I just shook our heads and laughed.

Even if it wasn't the best...people stated that I made them cry. Not sure if that's good or bad but at least it made people think, right? And all I kept thinking before I was called up was that, this is the place where I feel most comfortable. (In the Lord's presence, that is.) I felt comfortable to praise, pray,raise my hands, cry, etc. And it was like it was just me and Him. I am so thankful for my redemption.