On The Spot

Today in church pastor called me up to be used of the Lord and allow the Holy Spirit to move/speak through me. I was so...full and just overwhelmed by the presence of God and emotions. I felt the Lord and was myself moved, but as I walked up to the platform, I had no idea what to say. I prayed in tongues (yes, I believe in that.) as I took the mic and pastor spoke of how the Lord had used me before. Then I began to speak. It was brief and I didn't get through it before breaking down somewhat. And I can't remember word for word what I said. I do remember that the presence of God was so strong that I nearly fell on my way back to my seat. I haven't felt the Lord that strong in a long time. Somehow, I feel that I was supposed to say more. How do you ask if you prophesied correctly? Or accurately? And just the night before, I told my cousin that I was doing a fast because I wanted God to move through me. And He didn't disappoint. (Even if I may have.) Here's a humorous thing, after the service my cousin said, "good speech." My cousin and I just shook our heads and laughed.

Even if it wasn't the best...people stated that I made them cry. Not sure if that's good or bad but at least it made people think, right? And all I kept thinking before I was called up was that, this is the place where I feel most comfortable. (In the Lord's presence, that is.) I felt comfortable to praise, pray,raise my hands, cry, etc. And it was like it was just me and Him. I am so thankful for my redemption.

Julie & Julia

Today I went to the movies alone. It. Was. Ok. And I had a good time with me. I think I might do that more often. For years, a friend of mine has gone to the movies by himself and I never really understood why anyone would want to go to the movie theater alone. It's not such a bad thing. And I wasn't the only one there who went alone. Who knows, maybe I'll try going to a restaurant alone next. :-)

Contact

Hey, now that Sarah Palin has stepped down as the Governor of Alaska...how do I contact her, where do I send her an email???

Tomorrow, the company will give out letters to us letting us know who will have a job beyond August 28th. They are closing an entire clinic due to the cutbacks, which means 40 or so jobs unable to be absorbed. There is much prayer and fasting going on. I was even asked to lead in a prayer at our unit meeting last Friday (monumental for a place where you can't say, "Merry Christmas" or "God bless you." I prayed in the name of Jesus.)

I'll share about my fun-filled weekend later. I just had this question screaming out inside of me.

Never Again A Time Like This

There were more tears and questions today as Carl (the VP) came out--initally to hand out year of service awards--yet ended up fielding question after question regardingn the process of this move and what that entails for Covina staff. He seemed somewhat more upbeat than our clinic manager when detailing the effects of the cutbacks, stating that, the children's sites would not be affected as much as the adults." That is until a friend of mine asked how that would affect administrative staff. Then the mood turned a bit more grim. 25 clinical staff and 20 administrative to lose their jobs. Unless the job sharing program works...then some positions woold be saved. A majority of staff would prefer to cut thier own hours if it meant that some jobs could be salvaged. How that works is that an employee would work 32 hours and collect unemployment for the remaining 8, all the while retaining their insurance benefits. He went over plans in the works...and there are many plans they are attempting to work out. Carl did say that this is the most difficult thing to have to do. And that it's not easy having to let good people go. There were tears. Later that day, a clinical friend of mine was sitting in our department and we were laughing and joking with each other in spite of our (perhaps premature) feeling of loss. I said, "You know, it's good we can laugh because there may never be another time like this with each one of us here in this place."

None of us will know who gets to move on to eithe rthe El Monte site of the La Puente site and who is being let go until July 31st when each of us will receive a letter. After that, we work (all of us) until August 28th. Some of us will pack up our boxes and go on to work with both current co-workers and new co-workers already at the La Puente site--or the El Monte site. And some of us will just be packing our boxes and going home. Either way...we will all be hugely impacted by this.

Goodbyes are never easy for me. And sometimes take me years to 'get over'.

I pray for the peace of all involved--from the top to the bottom.

Beauty Does Fade

What a beautiful way to begin a new week and end a 3 day weekend--at a faraway beach, that is. I didn't want to spend the day at a beach I've frequented before, one that would stir up negative energy or cause some melancholy funk. The idea was to spend a relaxing day with only specific people from my family (mainly, baby Bev and Day) so that I could see them swim in the "waveless" part of the ocean. And for the most part, it was relaxing...the day began overcast as is usual for beach cities. But of course it burned off and the sun came out, the wind blew a bit and cooled the summer day. It was a much needed break from all of the media coverage of recent celebrity deaths and the mundane occurrences at the place I call work. (Yes, it's true, in my newly demoted position, I am bored. Even though I am learning new things and working towards certification.) I walked along the beach with the baby...showing her shells and rocks along the way..kicking up water as it slowly rolled to shore. It was the best day I have had in months and months. (La Dia Bonita.)

When I arrived at work this morning I heard from the girls that our Day Treatment program was being cut. I also saw on the news that the proposed budget was released and millions and billions of dollars have been cut for the funding that we bill to as a mental health clinic. (Not a good beginning to my work week.) Then, the clinic manager called a mandatory meeting at 10:30 that morning. Another not so good sign. Our clinic manager proceeded to tell us that de to the county cutbacks, we would be closing one site and basically combining our clinic with theres--in terms of staff. What it means for us is we will be moving into another clinic in La Puente, but not all of us will be able to go. Some of us will just have to go. Am I worried that I will be one of the ones to lose my job? Not really worried. I am trusting in God's provision for my life. It is difficult when all I see is crying and negative around me. Do I feel helpless and out of control? Yes. Is that how I am supposed to feel? Probably. It's not my job to fix things and work all things out. Do I know what I will do or where I will go if I lose my job? No. But I know that if I need to flip hamburgers for a while before God moves me to my new career, then I will. I don't have fear. Do I like this situation I find myself in? (The whole being almost 40 without a home, demoted to receptionist, without a significant other to come home to at night--I am both Bridget Jones and Ugly Betty!) Not at all. Nevertheless, I am to be content in ALL things. And I got a word from the Lord...a position is being created for me. And God is working on my behalf. So I'm gonna hold onto that because I don't have anything else at this point--and there are some who don't even have that. And I find no comfort in any other voice. So I will listen for that still small one.

One thing I am learning from all of these trials and the humbling experiences of every day life at ENKI (and life in general) is that we must choose what side of the fence we are going to be. I believe there is a great shaking going on in order to awaken the church/people. i think there is a line being drawn in the sand and the Lord is saying, "Which side are you on? You must decide."

This is not a time for straddling.

Writing is good. It helps. I need to make time to do it more often. It's cathartic. And since i refuse to go to a shrink again...this works out.