The Unthinkable

My boss has been having a rough time lately. Her grandmother, Martha is in the hospital and the prognosis doesn't look good. She has been spending most of her free time at the hospital and her wearines and worry were beginning to show. During supervision, I got up the nerve to ask her if I could pray for her.

She said yes. :o)

And it's incidents like this that remind me why I am there. It's not about making money or selfish ambition

Sick N Moody

I was agitated a lot of today...aside from all the glorious evidence of womanhood (you know, the bloating, the cramping, the headache, fever, etc.), I had to deal with a co-worker's iritation with me and our oh-so-subtle polite chat chat while covering up that irritation. And on top of all the joys of raggines, I have a cold. So yes, I would have rather been sleeping today instead of standing up all day long, dealing with demanding people who--let's face it--just aren't right in the head. One of them was an old high school classmate. She and I looked each other right in the eye and although I was polite, I thought, this could be me. I am possibly only one chemical imbalance away from staring into someone's eyes from the other side of this glass. And today, I felt really close. She was somewhat snooty in high school. And I teetered between arrogant and shy. But there's nothing that says her personality is more prone to mental illness than mine. I could be the one swiping my card to attend groups and get meds.

And I was thinking about something a friend told me about her and an ex...I started to doubt it, today. I didn't have a problem with any of it, until today. Then I thought, what if it's all made up, and I am made a fool of again? And that is no doubt why I refuse to show my brokenness. I never want to let it take a hold of me as it once did.

Random thought...what if they move across the street? (Not so random in my head.)

Went to have drinks with some co-workers and my friend kept randomly (?) touching my thigh throughout the night as he was making jokes We were joking and laughing, exchanging some witty banter about the old office and he would tap my thigh. Odd. That had never happened before. For a moment, I actually felt attractive. It was another dimension to myself I thought had been buried. (It lives.)

By the time my shift had ended I was ready to ditch church and head straight home where Mike's Hard Lemonade sets in the fridge...chillin'. At that point, I really didn't give a shit about anything. I blinked back the tear that attempted to excape--and even stopped singing the song responsible for conjuring it out.

I just didn't feel useful; I didn't feel loved. And tonight, I stopped caring about it.

Are tears a sign of caring? Is that why I stopped them? Are they a sign of vulnerability and brokenness? Does it really matter that whenever I pass by, you don't even say hi? Tip toe across my feelings so as not to make me mad. and yet, I take it as you not caring enough to push my buttons in order to find out what's really inside of me. It couldn't be a fear of losing something that's only a remnant of what used to be now is hardly even there. Because I never walk away. But tonight, I didn't care.

The cramps have increased and the potency of the pills only decreased. Nothing has subsided...except the day. So now I sleep. They say tomorrow is a new day...I wonder if it will bring a new me. You'll hardly know who I am or what I'm about.

Random Oddness

I was headed Eastbound on the 10 tonight and I exited a few too short. It wasn't until I had driven about 5 or 6 blocks that I realized, I had no idea where I was headed and nothing looked familiar. So I made a right turn on the next street and drove a few more blocks, still not recognizing anything...until I came to a corner apartment complex named, "El Sereno". It took me back to when my ex-boyfriend Anthony used to live there. Then I went a few more blocks and recognized another apartment complex where another exes ex used to live.

I found it to be a bit odd that I would "accidentally" come upon both places in the same night. And both brought up a whole slurry of emotions and memories....none of them negative. I think I am healed :-)

Little Reminders

As I entered my room just after the shower this morning, there was a subtle scent of my dad in the room. It took me by surprise at first, but it was definitely him. It wasn't an overwhelming smell as occurs sometimes near or outside places that sell patchouli. For the past two weeks I have ben thinking about my dad; his last week spent with us. I thought about my first trip to visit him in Montana and how he made me breakfast and the work of restoration the Lord did for us both during that time. And in so many quiet moments lately, I have missed my dad and longed just to talk to him. And now...I think the Lord was giving me a piece of my dad. It was subtle. And it slowly faded as I closed my eyes to hold back tears and thanked God for little reminders.

small requests

dear lord...

i know there are bigger and more important things that you are taking care of, but i still humbly ask for the following things:

dish receiver #2
guitar hero adapter
to be debt free
being able to sell the office dvd
and having someone to listen, to just listen

and i ask for those who are broken and hurting to be healed and made whole. may they truly see you.