Beauty Does Fade

What a beautiful way to begin a new week and end a 3 day weekend--at a faraway beach, that is. I didn't want to spend the day at a beach I've frequented before, one that would stir up negative energy or cause some melancholy funk. The idea was to spend a relaxing day with only specific people from my family (mainly, baby Bev and Day) so that I could see them swim in the "waveless" part of the ocean. And for the most part, it was relaxing...the day began overcast as is usual for beach cities. But of course it burned off and the sun came out, the wind blew a bit and cooled the summer day. It was a much needed break from all of the media coverage of recent celebrity deaths and the mundane occurrences at the place I call work. (Yes, it's true, in my newly demoted position, I am bored. Even though I am learning new things and working towards certification.) I walked along the beach with the baby...showing her shells and rocks along the way..kicking up water as it slowly rolled to shore. It was the best day I have had in months and months. (La Dia Bonita.)

When I arrived at work this morning I heard from the girls that our Day Treatment program was being cut. I also saw on the news that the proposed budget was released and millions and billions of dollars have been cut for the funding that we bill to as a mental health clinic. (Not a good beginning to my work week.) Then, the clinic manager called a mandatory meeting at 10:30 that morning. Another not so good sign. Our clinic manager proceeded to tell us that de to the county cutbacks, we would be closing one site and basically combining our clinic with theres--in terms of staff. What it means for us is we will be moving into another clinic in La Puente, but not all of us will be able to go. Some of us will just have to go. Am I worried that I will be one of the ones to lose my job? Not really worried. I am trusting in God's provision for my life. It is difficult when all I see is crying and negative around me. Do I feel helpless and out of control? Yes. Is that how I am supposed to feel? Probably. It's not my job to fix things and work all things out. Do I know what I will do or where I will go if I lose my job? No. But I know that if I need to flip hamburgers for a while before God moves me to my new career, then I will. I don't have fear. Do I like this situation I find myself in? (The whole being almost 40 without a home, demoted to receptionist, without a significant other to come home to at night--I am both Bridget Jones and Ugly Betty!) Not at all. Nevertheless, I am to be content in ALL things. And I got a word from the Lord...a position is being created for me. And God is working on my behalf. So I'm gonna hold onto that because I don't have anything else at this point--and there are some who don't even have that. And I find no comfort in any other voice. So I will listen for that still small one.

One thing I am learning from all of these trials and the humbling experiences of every day life at ENKI (and life in general) is that we must choose what side of the fence we are going to be. I believe there is a great shaking going on in order to awaken the church/people. i think there is a line being drawn in the sand and the Lord is saying, "Which side are you on? You must decide."

This is not a time for straddling.

Writing is good. It helps. I need to make time to do it more often. It's cathartic. And since i refuse to go to a shrink again...this works out.