4 am

Woke up with a burden to pray...what do I pray for? Specifially, it was a friend(s). In some situations (most), I feel helpless and the only thing I can really do is leave it up to God. So I did. However, I am still burdened and I wonder if this really is my burden to carry. I doubt it. In fact I didnt think it was. But when needs are dropped into your lap, it's very difficult not to pick them up. I do belive I have discernment, yet in this situation I do feel at a loss somewhat. And am I called to a fast? I know that fasting is (or should be) a part of every believer's life, however am I called to fst specifically with this in mind? I thought i was, then I blew the fast. And didn't feel the need or urgency to begin another one. Has the burden been lifted from me or have I just turned into a needy glutton with all the added stress going on in my life?

The new job is quite different from my last one--well, the one even before that. I did afterall, work at the El Monte clinic for two whole days. But I'm used to working with children; not adults who demand their medications and who threaten to kill someone if they don't get them. Or talk down to you like you're an idiot because they can't see thier doctor within the same month and so they start yelling at you. Yeah, that has been my week. In the midst of attempting to walk out my humility without feeling like a total failure for having been demoted and working out of boxes with a tiny computer cart and not nearly enough room. Oh and let's not forget the fact that I don't speak Spanish and every other call is a Spanish speaking caller! I don't want to be ungrateful for still having a job, when a few of my friends were layed off, but I'm not sure how long I can do this reception job. This is not what I signed up for. And right now--I don't know if it's because my ego has been bruised--but I don't have joy or contentment. In fact, I've been late three times this week and contemplated calling out for two of those days! And we had a shorter week! When co-workers asked me 'how things were going'...I told them that I didn't want to be like an Israelite who walked around murmuring and complaining and wandering in the desert for forty years. I seriously don't. But for the time being...I find myself in this place where I am burdened and discontent. So...I will get up in about an hour to go join my church family in prayer for the needs of our nation and other church members. I know that I am called to that. Lord, help me. I chose to stay home and go to our Friday night family dinner...I got some routine cleaning done. And now, as I think about it, perhaps the fast isn't about me. Obviously, I know that, but the purpose behind it is to draw me into a more intimate relationship with God. Not so I can in some way earn brownie points or run through a list of prayer needs faster. It is to die to the flesh...something I am not doing well since I am discontent. Maybe fasting is more of a means to help us see where we are not and how far away from God we actually are. And maybe it varies for each believer. Whatever the case, I do want to be closer to the heart of God. I want to see Him for who He is and not just for who I want Him to be. I've got a long way to go.