anxious...?

My Facebook status states that I am anxious about starting at a new site. But I've been bugged about it and obviously other things since I haven't been able to sleep for the past three nights. And here it is, almost 1 am and I am wide awake. It was such a good...emotional, yet somewhat productive and triumphant day. But it didn't really end well. I think I need to journal more. Today at the same time I felt that I had accomplished something, I felt hugely inadequate. I finally approached the homeless man who hangs out in downtown Covina as I have been prompted to for several months. He didn't speak one word; only nodded and shook his head. I didn't get his name...only that he couldn't speak English, never asked Jesus to be his Savior and didn't even know who Jesus was. I gave him a small book outlining salvation, though I figure if her can't speak, he probably can't read. And I gave him some money for breakfast. With every hopeful question I asked, his response was the same--a shaking of his head, "no". Except one. I asked him if I could pray for him. He finally nodded yes. And so I did. And I promised that I would continue praying for him, not even knowng his name. I walked away, not knowing whatelse I could possibly do for him, yet wanting to do something more. I had no shower to offer this man. I had no clean clothes (though I've heard that people give him clothes and he chooses to wear the same ones he has). I went back to my car and as I started it, I began to cry. I had done what was asked of me so many times before. Finally. Yet somehow the feeling of accomplishment paled in comparison to the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and insignifigance. This man didn't need me to "rescue" him. He needed Jesus to. And I didn't really know how to offer that to him. The only thing I could say was, "Jesucristo es El Senor." I looked this man in the eyes and could see the emptiness. I've seen hurt and rejection. I've seen grief and frustration. I've even seen anger and rage. But I don't think I've ever seen that kind of emptiness before. At that moment, as I slowly drove along Citrus Avenue, I was overcome with emotion. Overwhelmed by his need and I felt so small compared to it. I prayed God would intervene, somehow. All I could do once I got to work, was sit in the parking lot and wait for my tears to subside.

I was emotional all day. It's difficult saying goodbye to those who have been in your life for years. My heart longs to remain with them...the hurt is caused from having to peel it away from the hearts it has bonded to.